Weekly News Roundup and a Deep Throat Cocktail

Lies. Lies everywhere. Ivanka Trump is “not promoting” her new book. Comey got fired, and it had nothing to do with the Russia investigation. Rachel Maddow is leading the new Red Scare. Oh, and Republicans continue to put party politics uber alles. Next week’s going to be interesting. 

One Drink: Ivanka’s Book

Yes, she wrote a book. And yes, the book is even worse than your wildest dreams.

Women Who Work, which Ivanka says she wrote before the election and would not use her position to promote (guess what, she did anyway), has been described by the New York Times as a “strawberry milkshake of inspirational quotes,” and by NPR as “like eating scented cotton balls.” This book is what would happen if you added concentrate of basic bitch to a slurry of liquified gold in a Baccarat champagne flute and topped it off with fake champagne. But you know what really takes the strawberry shortcake? Using a Toni Morrison quote from Beloved to encourage you to be the master, not the slave, of your email.

Two Drink: Learning The Wrong Lessons from Nixon

Lies, lies, Liza Minelli. Lies. Lies everywhere. The lies are coming so fast and so thick now I think our bernaise sauce is about to burn.

On Tuesday, Trump surprised the nation by firing Director of the FBI James Comey, supposedly for his mishandling of the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails, an investigation for which Trump had repeatedly praised the former Director.

Trump fired Comey with no grace and no courtesy. Trump’s personal bodyguard delivered a letter of termination to FBI headquarters while Comey was in California on business. A little mob-like, no?

I’m not surprised by anything anymore, but it was amusing to see how massively the White House underestimated how huge the public blowback would be from this Non-Nixonian misadventure. Spicer was hiding in the bushes of the White House lawn to get away from the press. Kellyanne Conway came out of hibernation (and is now apparently the victim of a sexist incident, not a totally warranted eyeroll). Sarah Huckabee Sanders (of Mike Huckabee’s esteemed, totally not homophobic and bigoted family line) emerged as a principal spokesman from seemingly nowhere to complete the three stooges dynamic of Trump administration communications spin team. The attempts to control the narrative spiraled out of control hours later as Trump gave an interview to Time magazine blatantly stating he fired Comey because of the Russia investigation. 

As of this writing, a lot is still up in the air as to where the Russia investigations go next, but rumor has it the FBI is pissed off, and you don’t want to piss off the FBI. A mobster wannabe should know that. Look at how they got Al Capone. In Trump’s words to Comey, good luck in your future endeavors, Mr. Trump. It looks like you’ll need it.

Red Drink: Partisan Politics- Not Even On The Same Planet

I watched an hour of the Sally Yates hearing in the Senate Intelligence Committee on Monday, and all I could think was “God, I need a Xanax.”

The purpose of the hearing was to learn from Sally Yates and James Clapper, former Director of National Intelligence, what they knew about Michael Flynn’s contacts with foreign governments, and what the Trump administration was told about him before they hired him. What did every Republican on the committee, save Lindsey Graham, use their time to ask Sally Yates about? Not Russia. Each used his time (they were all men) to try to trap Ms Yates, an accomplished lawyer who is clearly not easy to fool (ask Ted Cruz), into implicating herself in leaks, improper unmasking of Americans by Obama Administration officials, or dereliction of duty in her failure to defend Trump’s Muslim ban. 

The whole thing was a farce, and every Republican, save Lindsey Graham, should feel ashamed for prioritizing partisanship over the national interest time and time again. And I say this not as a liberal, but as a card carrying Republican disgusted by what the party has become.

Blue Drink: Rachel Maddow and The New Red Scare

Not exactly known for her cool head, Rachel Maddow on Monday shouted fire in the proverbial crowded theater regarding the newly promoted acting director of the FBI Andrew McCabe. Her assertion? He was already compromised by the Trump administration and would immediately scuttle any ongoing investigations. The reality? McCabe testified in front of the Senate Intelligence Committee on Thursday and did a bang up job defending the FBI’s integrity and Comey’s reputation as a man who, despite major recent missteps, was widely popular within the FBI.

Don’t get me wrong, Comey’s firing is a major political story that we’re going to be hearing a lot more about in the next few weeks, but this kind of overreaction, only to then backtrack sans acknowledgement of overreaction or apology, has characterized a lot of the left’s responses to Trump’s actions, whether warranted or not. The Democrats need to get better at picking their battles and acting on strategy, not on impulse or on contrarian principle, if they want to woo the centrist voters they’re going to need to take back the House in the midterms. 

Silver lining: Some Action on Climate Change

The Senate on Wednesday voted down a resolution to repeal an Obama era regulation restricting methane emissions on drilling projects on public lands. An estimated $330 million in natural gas was lost yearly through burning off methane, and this regulation required oil companies to capture rather than burn it. Besides the public health and taxpayer benefits, an optimistic person can also hope the way this resolution was voted down is a sign of better things to come.

While GOP senators Lindsey Graham and Susan Collins had already publicly opposed it, John McCain surprised pretty much everyone by casting the resolution killing vote. While he said that he didn’t like that the resolution also banned any future ‘similar’ regulations to be enacted, rumors are swirling that the real reason is his displeasure over Comey’s firing earlier in the day. Fingers crossed he finally puts his votes where his mouth is!

Drink of the Week: the Deep Throat

Get it? Because Nixon. You’ll need:

  • 1.5 oz vodka
  • 0.5 oz Creme de Cacao
  • 0.5 oz cream
  • 1 Hershey’s Kiss

Place the Kiss at the bottom of a chilled cocktail glass. Shake all liquid ingredients on ice in a cocktail shaker while chanting “please let there be more leaks from the FBI, please let there be more leaks from the FBI” to focus your karmic energy into helping the Washington Post figure out what the hell is going on. Strain into the glass. From Cocktail Calendar.

Do Something About It

As always, we at Red Drink, Blue Drink encourage you, our devoted readers, to not only have a good drink, but to put that subsequent energy spike and loosened inhibition to good use! Our Take Action! page links to organizations we believe can help those affected in our stories above (especially victims of non-existent terrorist attacks), and we encourage you to be active in your own way to support causes that are important to you.